It’s ok to not be ok
two red tails hawks in a tree in march
March . . . what can I say, it’s kind of a rough month. Sometimes the sun shines, sometimes it rains, sometimes there’s mud, sometimes there’s snow . . . rinse and repeat. And with the state of the world as it is right now, things can feel pretty grim.
I have observed a common theme these days, but I have been reluctant to write about this phenomenon because it’s such a departure from what I typically want to talk or write about. I’ve never minded being real or talking about tough issues, but I typically access a perspective that honors the lessons in our challenges and the rainbows among the clouds.
I need to be honest though, these days I don’t have that perspective. I keep looking, but I can’t find it. And ttruthfully, I feel so unlike my usual self that I’ve been hiding my truth. There’s something about talking about the depth of this darkness that feels challenging to me, so I just hide; from my friends, my family and from you.
What a simple statement, huh? I picked it up from a client with whom I have enjoyed many very real, not so happy, shiny conversations since we started working together again. She has been a beloved, faithful client for many years, but we took a break until the pandemic subsided enough to make it safe to resume. She is a social worker serving homeless families at a fairly large local non profit. Her’s is a tough job in the best of times, so throw some more financial, health and housing insecurity at this already vulnerable population, and you can imagine how taxing it is on the spirit these days. And sometimes, like me, she’s not ok.
But also like me, and probably like many of you, she’s still showing up, albeit with a little less bounce in her step. We’re still going to work. Many of our clients and friends, especially those in the medical field, are working more than ever, in incredibly stressful and often risky conditions. We’re figuring out what to do with our kids when their classes are sent home to quarantine due to close contact exposure. We’re learning how to experience life again, now edited to reflect post-pandemic realities. We’re still trying really hard to do what we can/have to do to be a person on this planet. We’re still doing what we’re supposed to, but some days we’re just not feeling great about it all. And that, my friend, has to be ok.
We can’t be expected to put on a happy face every day. We can’t ignore the fear and fatiuge in our hearts and minds. We can’t sweep under the rug the frustration, sadness, loneliness or worry that we’ve felt so often over these past two years. I’m not saying we have to stay in those spaces of grief or unpleasantness, but I think we do have to allow them. And we have to start telling ourselves and each other that it doesn’t make us bad, or weak, or unwanted just because we’re not ok this moment/day/week.
I dunno . . . maybe I’m off here, but I gotta say that for me, it’s a big relief to let myself off the hook from always needing to be the bastion of light and positivity. After all, my positivity, when available, is my truth and I want it to help lift others up. But perhaps my truth is helpful even when it’s not reminding you to be grateful or talking about how beautiful this world is? Maybe I’m just supposed to tell you, as my dear client told me,
“It’s ok to not be ok.”
Also, I love you.
Oh, and one more thing . . . when it comes to talking during a massage, I don’t always encourage it, but sometimes talking is very beneficial. Sometimes my clients are nervous, or “up in their heads” when they arrive and they need to be able to converse with me for a little while to let their systems settle. Sometimes silence for them feels too lonely or too empty. Other times there are challenges, issues or even traumas from either distant or recent pasts that need to be spoken because the memory and stress are lodged within the body itself. Speaking during bodywork is one way to integrate the mind and the body so you can move through those challenges. A lot of hard stuff is spoken in my office, and it is always received with grace and confidence. This is not to say, however, that small talk and chatting are very useful, so please don’t be offended if I leave a lot of quiet space during your session. I encourage everyone to allow their minds to relax and tune into their body sensations if possible.